Hey, hello, how's it going?
We have been learning about solitary confinement in my sociology class lately, and not trying to be dramatic but I feel like my job has given me the effects that most prisoners experience while being in solitary. It's pretty sad to think of my life this way, but honestly I feel like I've become this extremely unhappy person and I don't know how to not be anymore. I'm constantly in a foul mood, I dread getting out of bed to go to work and I cannot handle the sounds of kids crying or screaming when I'm in public. I constantly think I hear the kid I nanny crying in rooms of my house or places I'm at now. It's become hell being awake.
I love going to my classes twice a week. It's really hard for me though because I've forgotten how to have adult interactions and conversations. I'm scared of crowds, I now hate answering my phone or calling people. I'd rather just sit and read a book in silence than do anything else. It's a sad life I have started to live. This has been the longest year and a half of my life. What I thought would be so fun and rewarding has turned into me wondering if I even want kids of my own. That is a sad thought to have. I at least know now from a stand point that I will NEVER be a stay at home mom, this is the hardest most physically, emotionally and mentally draining job I've ever had and I look forward to the day I no longer need this job and can actually start my career of choice.
I miss being happy and positive about life. Now I hate everything, I complain about my daily life all day long to friends and my family. They tell me that maybe it's time to move on, but what can I do to make as much money as I do now and be able to finish school? Probably nothing, because I don't have a stupid degree yet. I need something new in my life. I'm tired of feeling helpless. I'm tired of my house being a wreck because I don't feel like cleaning my house after I've picked up someone else's allllll day long, doing dishes that were never mine, and cleaning up the same damn toys a billion times throughout the day. It's just hard. I'm beyond beat. I have no more motivation for anything. I hardly wear makeup or dress up anymore. I don't feel pretty anymore. Because I am exhausted daily.
What do I do? How do I become my happy person again. I take antidepressants... I've been on them for years and they've always helped and I've now reached a point where I double my dose because I don't feel anything from them anymore, I feel... Empty. Empty is a good way to put it. Empty, with no sense of life. No motivation to create a life. And it's all been down hill since I've started this job. It isn't what I imagined it to be, and I have given it my all over the time I've had it, but now I don't think I have anything left in me to even do daily tasks anymore. I've wilted away. I don't know where I've gone now. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life so far, and I've been through some shit growing up..
I'm going to end this sad post now so I can relax before I have to start dinner for my man. He won't be home until 8:45 because he has night school twice a week. Lovely how the days I get to be home early because I have school instead of work that he has late classes and the days he gets of work nad doesn't have school, I always end up working late. I'm sick of this. I need more time with my man. It isn't fair. I chose this life and I can choose to change it if it isn't working out for me. Personal happiness is the most important thing. Putting myself first is now my main focus. Because I deserve to be put first and not last or walked over. I am a strong woman, I jut need to find her and bring her back.
- L. C.
